| my xhandsx are at {y}{o}{u}{r} throat \\ ! think ! h a t e [y][o][u] |
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erika <theres>no<such>thing<as>second<chances>
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| i must be the worst person on the face of the planet |
[08 Feb 2004|09:38pm] |
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let's just name off everyone who hates me.
1. my mom: i showed her my ceptum and the other day my tattoo. i am too much for her to handle. she doesn't like who i am. she said she thought she raised a smarter daughter but she was wrong. i am just a fuck up cause i want to be myself.
2. mark: he is my fucking safe haven. i use to think he was my guardian angel. he came to modesto yesterday and we talked for a little while when i got home. today he left without saying goodbye.
3. jonathan: enough said.
4. wes: spends the whole day in modesto and doesn't even say hi.
5. selina: she is spose to be the bestestest friend but fuck, she doesn't even answer when i call.
6. me: i can't stand being around myself.
anyone else want to be added to the list?
sorry if it sounds like me over reacting cause i probably am but i just don't give a fuck right now.
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| animals need their fur coats more then i do |
[05 Feb 2004|11:18pm] |
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Switchfoot ~ the beautiful letdown |
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i want to write beautiful words.
i miss my xanga. i use to write how i feel. i use to pour out my soul. i just can't do it anymore. i don't really know why. i am open in the sense that i will tell people my life story. yet i am closed off in the sense that i can't bring myself to admit what i am really thinking. i don't understand it. it of course being myself.
happy note: cutest thing EVER. my dog was nudging on my door and so i let her in and she whined and so i leaned over and did my kissy face to her and she licked me and walked out... she wanted to say good night. <3
i finally blew jonathan off today. i finally got fed up. i've been a lot more bold lately. i am changing so much it's hard to see myself. either way i finally told him how i felt. sort of. i said he wasn't exactly a nice person. he said he was. i said : you only talk to me to either get me to go to one of your shows or to tell me how awful i am and when it is to go to one of your shows, you don't want me there, you just want one extra person, you could care less if it was me. then i blocked him. it felt nice. i feel guilty. i hate being mean to people. it is just not in my nature. i know that sounds cliche and lame but my friends who know me, know me well enough to know that it is true. i don't like to hurt peoples feelings. jonathan on the other hand would like nothing better then to hurt mine. usually i just let him. he says : you were a terrible girlfriend. i say : i know jonathan. he says : you are a bad person. i say : i know jonathan. he says : remember when you said 'such and such'? you were a bitch. i say : i know jonathan. i am tired of it. i couldn't take it anymore. i may not be a great person but i know i am not a terrible one and i let him make me think i was for too long. i am done with him. for good.
i think i expect too much out of someone when i call them a friend. :T
the :T face as brought to you by waldo. just so you know. hehe.
leave me love notes <3
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| my mission: reconstruct a heart that's torn apart from over-exposure |
[04 Feb 2004|11:22pm] |
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BNO ~ hold on tightly. let go lightly. |
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items of purchase:
CD's:
1. incubus: a crow left of the murder
2. BOYSnightOUT: make yourself sick
3. hot hot heat: make up the breakdown
4. funeral for a friend: seven ways to scream your name
5. jet get born: elektra
6. switchfoot: the beautiful letdown
Body Modifications:
7. i am the proud new owner of a piece of metal. in my nose. i got my ceptum pierced. tee hee.
Randoms:
8. a $7 dollar ring. ya know when you're like ten and there is that ONE item in the quarter machine that you spend five dollars in quarters trying to get? i got mine. just not out of a quarter machine.
9. sunglasses. they are so glamWHORE
additional note: the best friend said this is the most she has seen me smile in over six months. it feels so good to be happy. (iTHINKiMAYhaveAlittleCRUSH)
leave me love notes <3
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| the naked truth |
[02 Feb 2004|07:08pm] |
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i don't really know |
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FATA ~ autumns monologue |
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i think i might irritate people. or maybe people just irritate me so i assume i irritate them. i mean, i have friends, so why have i been home reading since 3pm? i could call someone, but i'd rather just sit here and indulge in a story that is completely fake. and considering its completely fake and every book i read has a lead character that is completely different from the last one i read about... why do i always seem to relate? either those authors are really good at finding common ground or i read way too into things, literally.
something really weird. a while ago i read this book called boy meets boy. i am sure all you brilliant people can figure out the lead characters are gay. it doesn't matter. the point is, i read it this one weekend. that weekend i happend to go out a few times with my friends and had a lot of fun. by the end of the weekend i found myself thinking that i wish they weren't characters in a book cause it would be awesome to just talk to them in person. how lame is that? i mean i have nothing against just talking to the friends i have. i think i am just bored is all.
bored with life. not sad. just bored.
leave me love notes <3
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| priceless |
[01 Feb 2004|02:07am] |
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cheerful |
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dogma<3 |
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see the half smile on the girls face? i love it.
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| 8 teenagers die every day from drinking and driving : nicole shouldn't have been one of them |
[31 Jan 2004|09:33pm] |
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relaxed |
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pheobe from friends feet flirting <3 |
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show friday. ash wednesday rocked as always. drove out to stockton with waldo, jesse and roxanne. we got lost. i adore getting lost. it makes the ride an adventure. had a nice conversation with john kline. <3. OH! there was a boy with a keyboard, it was funny yet oh so cool.
completely cleaned out my room like WHOA! it rocked. jesse and waldo came over. played some nintendo. watched pulp fiction. jesse slept through it. excellent movie. waldo went with me to drop off jesse. i almost killed us. oops. hehe. sorry.
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| what happens if you get scared half to death twice? |
[30 Jan 2004|03:28pm] |
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silence |
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saw jonathan walking down the street holding hands with his girlfriend.
it really threw me for a loop.
but i didn't cry, i smiled.
i love jonathan.
but even more so, i love jonathan being in love with lindsay.
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| i steal things from my pancake face |
[25 Jan 2004|09:59pm] |
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Death Cab For Cutie (i blame/thank christina) |
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two posts in half an hour? odd or just bored? who knows!
10 questions: Pick a band and answer only using that band's song titles
1. Are you male or female?:
Poinson Girl
2. Describe yourself:
Pretending
3. How do some people feel about you?:
Close To The Flame
4. How do you feel about yourself?:
Beyond Redemption
5. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend/interest:
Salt In Our Wounds
6. Where would you rather be?:
Bury Me Inside Your Heart
7. Describe what you want to be/have:
Heaven Tonight
8. Describe how you live:
Enjoy The Silence
9. Describe how you love:
Razorblade Kiss
10. Share a few words of wisdom:
I Love You : Prelude To Tragedy
I LIKE H I M
leave me love notes<3
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| love's an excuse to get hurt, so hurt me |
[25 Jan 2004|08:39pm] |
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bright eyes ~ the calender hung itself |
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today was simple and nice. jesse is RAD!! we bought silly little charm bracelets and one charm each. mine has a pink bull and says taurus. she would have got the same but there was only one. instead she got a pink music note. we also went to sonic. it makes us laugh cause we are way too alike for words. her mom has decided that we were destined to be sisters. her mom is also a massive old school hippie. minus the pot. haha. OH! the sonic thing, haha. we almost order the same thing. me: grilled cheese, fries and a ocean water slush. her: grilled cheese, tots and a lemonberry slush. we also walk into stores and both gasp at the exact same item. is too much alikeness a recipe for disaster? i hope not. she is the epitome of awesome. oh! she also gave me two way rad thrift store items that she thought i would like but she hardly wears. they are jacket-esc. she is more into sweaters. anywho, we saw win a date with tad hamilton. it was too cute! we were going to see the butterfly effect but i was too into my book to make it to the theatre on time for that. by the way, the accidental virgin is a GOOD BOOK! well, at least i like it.
OH MAN! my mom just knocked on my door and handed me my clean laundry. i grabbed it and she held her hand out. i was all "WHAT?" so she says "tip??!??" hahahahhaha. she is too cute. *heart*
um... oh, me and jesse also discussed me moving to madera. we both decided it WON'T happen. it was a nice idea but i know i belong in fullerton. at least i hope i do. good news is? oh yeah... JESSE WANTS TO COME WITH!!!! my mom will fully back me moving if i have a friend to go with. i am glad she is up for the idea. i hope she goes through with it though.
what else... i owe my grandma $110. haha. why you ask? she has a credit card and i don't. simple as that. i had to pay my phone bill which is $49 plus i had like $9 worth of effing text messages. who do i blame? THE EX BOYFRIEND! why jon text messages me i don't know. honestly i wish he would stop. PLUS! i bought tickets. two for mae and copeland. my friend mark is driving two hours from fresno to modesto, picking me up and driving an hour and a half to san francisco. the least i could do was buy his ticket. i also bought two tickets to see fall out boy and matchbook romance. jesse is gonna go with me so she owes me the $15 i owe my grandma for that ticket. i am STOKED! *heart*
i made a bag. it is so overly emo kidd as the darling amanda put it. haha. i took an old thrift store button down shirt i had bought for the ex and cut it up and made it a cute side bag. i love it. i'll post a picture of it later. well, time to find a new book to read.
leave me love notes <3
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| trying this for the THIRD!!!!! time.... GAH! |
[21 Jan 2004|09:08pm] |
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content |
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seth talking... on the OxC... <333 |
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we are going to do a paint by numbers... kind of.
WHITE: charlene is pregnant. randy joined the army. i have no idea what is going on.
YELLOW: i like jason. we watched freddy vs. jason. haha. i love that no one will understand why i am laughing but us. he is mean to me. i kinda like it. haha. <3
GREEN: tonight i watch the OxC by myself. jenni and clarissa went back to fresno. i am gonna miss them like WHOA!
RED: had a terrible day. still happy. odd?
BLUE: found out that cosmetology school only costs $800. i very well may end up moving to madera to start and then eventually go to fresno state. mainly cause my daddy told me i can't go to fullerton. BAH!
BROWN: read an OLD OLD OLD journal entry. back when i was with jonathan AKA the ex boyfriend. i believe the specific date was march 19, 2003. he says i never loved him.
"Today was mine and my boyfriends three month anniversary. For the most part it seemed like a disaster. I tried sooooo hard to be perfect for him all day and all he did (unintentionally) was point out my imperfections. It just went wrong from the start but the next anniversary will be better because nothing breaks up my love for him."
PINK: i got a tattoo on my left wrist.  the ex boyfriends response: Virus Guy17: meaningless ink i see.
PURPLE: went over to the best friends house. told her she was a sucky best friend. left. that was the most time i've spent with her in the past two weeks.
ORANGE: talked to a boy. i couldn't sleep. at about 4:30am started talking to brian. 10:30am finished talking to brian. *heart* he lives in georgia. anyone up for a move?
BLACK: got wireless dsl. yesssssssssssssssssssssss!
GREY: miss wesley bruster like CRAZY. <3
ran out of colors.
leave me love notes<3
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| dancing in my nuddy pants<3 |
[15 Jan 2004|09:48pm] |
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 giggly |
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Plea For Peace Album <3 |
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subject numero uno: UNDERWORLD. i like vampires. bwahahahahahahaha. good movie i MUST say. jenni and clarissa make me laugh. we must have rewatched the begining a bagillion times. haha. serves us right. i've determined that i have the attention span of a knat and i am dragging them into my oblivious world or easy amusement. bwahahahahahaha. man oh man again with the evil laugh. yessssssss. hahahahahah. goodness i am oh so effing giddy. someone shoot me in the foot? thanks!
subject numero dos: randy threw a computer speaker at charlene. she is (was) officially moving here to live with me. but then he wrote her a letter and said he was sorry and wants her to move to MO with him. DIDNT THEY JUST MOVE TO TEXAS TO GET OUT OF MO???? YES!!! gah! i just want charlene happy. wish she would call. *heart*
subject numero tres: railroad hopping. hahahhahahahha. clarissa, jenni, and i watched the oXc last night. seth. *heart* so cute. j-masta jenni makes me laugh. she is such a nerd sometimes! i love it. we were all massively dorky! after the show we got in the car and were like hmmmm where shall we go? clarissa says "I KNOW!!!" & blasts the music. we then scream out lyrics all the way out in the country where clarissa decides to nail 50 over the railroad tracks. it was great. we didnt really get air or anything. it was more like driving fast over a hill. haha. we did it a few times. it was very amusing and yet not that un safe. good times. did i mention we danced in the car, while stopped at a stop sign, for about three minutes to rollin by limp bizkit? i don't even WANT to know why she owns that cd! haha.
subject numero cuatro: hung out with jesse. the girl i met at the show. we went thrifting. bought a polkadot skirt. some scarves. another random skirt. some steve maddens. SO CUTE! *heart* um. oh and a bunch of materials from the material store. duh! i'll post pictures of some of it or what i make of it soon.
subject numero cinco: made a 'date' with jason. haha. this kidd is rocksome. wish he weren't moving to oregon. we have mad fun doing... oh yeah NOTHING! we are spose to play miniture golf before he moves. SO STOKED!
i am shweepy. night night.
leave me love notes <3
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| so you wrote it down. i'm suppose to care? |
[13 Jan 2004|02:48pm] |
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yellowcard ~ rough draft <3 |
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soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. i lead the most boring life ever. that all changes next week. hahaha.
yesterday: worked. payed off my $8 debt to the local library. they were mad at me. oops. haha. bought my brother and his friend lunch. i felt bad for draging them around with me. got home. ate ravioli de cheese with selina. yummmm. made plans to go to some shows. fall out boy with matchbook romance on february 7th. a static lullaby with beloved on february 9th. COPELAND WITH MAE ON FEBRUARY 12TH!!!! sooooo stoked. we are going to be so warn out by the end of the week. three shows combined with six days of work. bleh. it is going to effing rock! umm... oh! then i went and picked my mum up from work. my poor truck is STILL broken so she lets me use her car as long as i take her to work and pick her up. good mummy. *heart* we went and rented the in-laws. it was a riot. not to mention the whole family sat down and watched it. that is oh so unusual. sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. (my favorite part)
today: worked. slid across the floor at work. we had just mopped and no one was in there so me and sandra thought it would be amusing to see who slid further. she is the raddest boss EVER. haha. i've decided that i eat TOO MANY bagels. i am turning into a heffer. haha. um... JON TEXT MESSAGED ME! it was a random my chemical romance text. we sent a few more back n forth. eventually i killed it by saying the following: "jon, when we were together you use to say that if we ever broke up we couldn't be friends cause it would be too hard for you to be friends with someone you love. so, why can't we be friends now if you don't love me anymore?" i got no response. i dunno what is going on. meh. time to go work on the re-decorating of my room. why i do this half a year before i move is beyond me. imma dork!
OH! i also talked to jesse. the girl i met at the show. we might go thrifting this friday. AND! go see coheed and cambria on monday. yessssssssssssss! *heart*
DOUBLE OH! OH! i tried to talk charlene into moving out here with me again. don't know if it worked or not. half the time she is happy with randy in texas but most of the time she is crying to me how much she hates it. meh. i love her. wish she would just be happy! *heart*
p.s. i just remembered that i am mad at yellowcard. i *heart* them like WHOA! however! i am suppose to go see them in san francisco tomorrow... only they CANCELLED! gr.
leave me love notes <3
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| page avenue |
[11 Jan 2004|09:38pm] |
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mood |
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 nostalgic |
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story of the year (<3 like whoa!) |
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i bought story of the year...
i still recall every summer night like it was yesterday
the time could n e v e r end and my friends WERE family
nothing mattered more than the loyalty we had
now i'm a world away from everything we shared
i had something better waiting ahead
{i}{try}{to}{take}{control}{of}{my}{heart}
i had something better
but i'll tear it down and i'll tape it up by my own design.
i fa||
BRING BACK THE DAYS
three story parking lot ... the air is never dry
as the city falls asleep days bleed into the night
the table set the stage for a life full of memories
but i'm a world away from everything
i fa|| apart as time passes by
i fa|| apart but the memories n e v e r
i still recall every summer night it seems like yesterday
but i'm still a world away
...just so you know
leave me love notes <3
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